yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
