omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
