if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I am spending my child support on dildos
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
