if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It's like God shit irony all over that family
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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