i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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