It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
