So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Drake has all the answers
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
