Pregnant stripper...not hot.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
