and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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