Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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