Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
