she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
