The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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