Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
time to smoke my breakfast
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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