At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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