I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
