Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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