this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
