Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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