I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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