I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
