he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
