I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
