I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize