He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
