dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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