I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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