Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
