He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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