Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
