Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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