I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
