there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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