I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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