Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
