I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
