I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
