I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize