When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
