why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
