Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
