See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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