Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
