I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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