hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
