I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and she was petting her beer can
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
