the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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