i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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