if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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