I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
