Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
