I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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