My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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