God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
