you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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