the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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