it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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