I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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