I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
