I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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