I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Randomize
