I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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