i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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