i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
